Divorced, Not Ruined

I could go miles on this subject but to spare you the 300 pages I’ll keep it as simple as I can. 🙂

Getting a divorce these days is seemingly just as easy as getting married, and sometimes can cost just as much. It’s nothing I think that any person is proud of doing and certainly not anticipated in the beginning of the marriage. Divorce is a very emotionally and mentally tough thing to do no matter what the circumstances. It is a public declaration to everyone around you that your marriage didn’t work, you were wrong about her or him and now you have to start all over again. In so many cases it leaves a person feeling used up and broken. You now have this metaphorical baggage that you have to carry with you everywhere. You have this “thing” you have to break to every new relationship which can be a deal breaker in some cases. 

Then let’s say you’ve been divorced more than once. Well, hang up your shoes and put in your cat lady application because you’ve officially ruined your relationship future. Now every time someone asks, it becomes a long drawn out story to rectify that you’re not actually crazy.The thing is, this is so far from the reality of your actual life. This is what society makes you feel, how they see you. Now you have to settle for someone half as good or someone else who is divorced because you’ve already bought your train ticket. Then the second or third marriage becomes a teeny tiny ceremony that no one knew anything about because well it’s not the first so no need to send out those second round of wedding invitations. It’s like divorce strips you of the rights and happiness you actually deserve. 

I know there are plenty of people out there who can agree with me when I say that some of the most awesome couples I’ve ever met were divorced. Now, that doesn’t mean I think you have to get divorced to have a great marriage. It is possible to get it right the first time. But, if you don’t, all hope is not lost. I could offer you some amazing relationship insight based on my relationships that didn’t work out. You see, when you got a divorce you got this second chance to be more picky. You experienced something you didn’t like or maybe you did something terrible and your own actions ruined your marriage. Now you’ve learned a valuable lesson for the next relationship. A good relationship becomes so much more to you than it was the first time.

I will share something that I for sure never imagined I would let the world see. After my second marriage failed, I asked myself what I really wanted. What was I actually looking for? I needed to know what I wanted so that I wouldn’t settle for anything. This is important. Below is the actual message I wrote on August 1, 2015. I met Carlos (friends first) 11 days after I wrote this. 

“The Man I Want Is….

he has college/degree just like I do.

he maintains a clean home, car, bathroom, bedroom, and no one else does it for him.

to his family, his friends, and most importantly to himself. He is not afraid to say no to something he may want because he knows it is not good for him in the long run. He takes care of his body internally and externally, he is not obsessed but enjoys feeling good and healthy.

he always has a goal, is always trying to better himself, he has a positive outlook about his future

Sense of humor
he isn’t afraid to laugh at himself, isn’t snobby, and can laugh at almost anything

but not cocky, he believes in himself and his abilities and in turn does not feel threatened by others who are competing with or against him. He can stand against a crowd with his own judgement and opinions and not waver.

He knows what he wants
he knows himself, what he likes, what he will and won’t tolerate, and what he does and does not want in life. He is not easily swayed or influenced into anything other than what he has decided for himself.

He can stand alone
he doesn’t need a chef, a maid, a mechanic, a yard man, or his mother. He can do for himself just fine and does not see a problem with it. He views taking care of himself as a part of being a responsible adult and not a job that he complains about.

He makes me feel beautiful, I don’t have to feel self-conscious around him. This guy makes me want to be the best me, I can literally tell him anything without fear of judgement. He doesn’t want to change me, he’s in love with who I am at that moment and is genuinely happy for my accomplishments and the good things that happen in my life. This guy is my teammate, I feel free with him, free to speak and act and think all on my own. I don’t have to ask for permission or a go ahead on anything, I do it simply and freely out of the deep respect I have for him as a person. There is no feelings of ownership or expectations – we just love being with each other and working together.

Since Carlos and I have been together it has been nothing short of amazing. Yes we have our rough times but it’s easy to work it out when you have someone who is reaching for the same goals you are. 

Divorce does not ruin you. It gives you a chance to have a do-over. I would rather be the person that takes my second chance than to be the person who dies miserable in a marriage they hated that held them back from a good life all in the name of morals. Do not allow others to make you feel less than you are. You are still a person, you will still be happy and you deserve a good life. 

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